Gotta love this Doctor…. :)

Q: Doctor,  I’ve heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that’s it…  don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a  nap.Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?   Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake?
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit..  Brandy is  distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more of the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.  Bottoms   up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have  fat, your ratio is one  to one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?
A: Can’t  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain…Good!

Q:  Aren’t  fried  foods bad for you?
A:  YOU’RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! …..  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil.  In fact,  they’re permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you?Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the middle?
A: Definitely  not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You  should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach.

Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good   food around!

Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure?
A:  If   swimming is good for  your figure,   explain whales to  me.

Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle?
A:  Hey!  ‘Round’ is  a shape!

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may   have had about  food   and diets.

And  remember:
‘Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one  hand – chocolate in  the other – body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and   screaming ‘WOO  HOO, What a  Ride’

AND…..

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final  word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat  and drink what you like. Being American is apparently what kills  you.

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Pants and Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen

so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, ‘Mike, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them

to your Mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on.”

She did and said, ‘These are too big.

I can’t wear them.’

I replied, ‘Exactly.. I wear the pants in

this family and I always will.’

Ever since that night, we have

never had any problems.

‘Hmmm,’ said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, ‘Here, try

these on..’

She tried them on and s

aid, ‘These are too large. They don’t fit me.’

Mike said, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family

and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.’

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She

said, ‘Here, you try on mine.’

Mike did and said,

‘I can’t get into your panties.’

Karen said, ‘Exactly. And if you don’t change

your smart-ass attitude, you never will.’

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
….does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, ….why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy ….as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, ……is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, ……why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money …..called a broker?

7.. When cheese gets its picture taken,… what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist….but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man …..and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee…. mean opposite things?

11. Why isn’t the number 11 ….pronounced onety one?

12. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence? (
Ha Ha !)

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour ….do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks …so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear …until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those  little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant… like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea,…
does that mean that one enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

relax they are just jokes ……

Don’t get your panties in a bunch, my hispanic (pc version) Mexican friend sent me this…

1. Cheese

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito

replies: ‘Maria likes me, but cheese fat.’

2. Mushroom

When all of my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder

My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I

shoulder.

4. Texas

My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes

Me and my fren ordered pi zza. I got my piece and she got herpes.

6. July

Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! ‘Julyer!’

7. Rectum

I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Juarez

One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ‘ Juarez your problem?’

9. Chicken

I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

10. Wheelchair

We only have one enchalada left, but don’t worry, wheelchair.

11. Chicken wing

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

12. Harassment

My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.

13. Bishop

My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.

14. Body wash

I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

15. Green Pink Yellow

When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow?’

Tootin’ to the music

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … You need to TOOT.
The music is really loud, so you time your TOOTS with the beat.  After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that’s when you realize, you have been listening to your I pod.

Math for dummies :)

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

>>

>>Smart man + smart woman = romance

>>

>>Smart man + dumb woman = affair

>>

>>Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

>>

>>Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

>>

>>______________________________

>>

>>OFFICE ARITHMETIC

>>

>>Smart boss + smart employee = profit

>>

>>Smart boss + dumb employee = production

>>

>>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

>>

>>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

>>

>>_____________________________

>>

>>SHOPPING MATH

>>

>>A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

>>

>>A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

>>

>>_____________________________

>>

>>GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

>>

>>A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

>>

>>A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

>>

>>A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

>>

>>A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

>>

>>_____________________________

>>

>>HAPPINESS

>>

>>To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a

>>little.

>>

>>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to

>>understand her at all.

>>

>>______________________________

>>

>>LONGEVITY

>>

>>Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot

>>more willing to die.

>>

>>______________________________

>>

>>PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

>>

>>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

>>

>>A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

>>

>>_____________________________

>>

>>DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

>>

>>A woman has the last word in any argument.

>>

>>Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

>>

>>_____________________________

>>

>>HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

>>

>>Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and

>>cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing

>>the same thing to them at funerals.

>>

>

Very Important Women’s Health Issue:

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?  Do you fear public speaking?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

Are you unsure of your dance moves?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself, your actions and your groove thang.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regiment of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas!

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregn ant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try them.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration

Erotic lustfulness

Loss of motor control

Loss of clothing

Loss of money

Table dancing

Headache

Dehydration

Dry mouth

A desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you are tiptoe段ng when you are not.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think having that fourth or fifth child is an excellent idea.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.  Thank you.

If you agree please SEND THIS ON and ON to as many people as you know

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past years.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can’t enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,  Singapore  and  Uzbekistan  .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Dogs vs Cats

Dog’s Diary

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.  Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.   I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now…………….