Dogs vs Cats

Dog’s Diary

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.  Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.   I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now…………….

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Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

 

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

 

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.


St. Peter says, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

 

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.

 

As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. ‘What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered, ‘Are we stuck together forever?’

 

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

 

‘Yes, you can get married in Heaven.’ he informs the couple,

 

‘Great, but we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out?’ said the couple. ‘Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

 

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

 

‘OH, COME ON! It took me three months to find a priest up here!’ St. Peter shouts. ‘Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a Lawyer?’

 

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah
Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President .

The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.’ Not being
familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post
turtle.’

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued
to explain. ‘You know she didn’t get up there by herself, she doesn’t
belong up there, she doesn’t know what to do while she is up there, and
you just Wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.

=================================

A voice from the back of the pew

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his
paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary. There
was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional
children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, “Children are a
gift from God,” he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,
“Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers.”

And the congregation said, “Amen.”

Another blonde joke…..

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…

This is how the fight started…..

Here’s how the fight started:

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive….so, I took her to a gas station….. and then the fight started….

**************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that’s when the fight started.

**************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social

Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You

might have gotten disability, too’ And then the fight started…..

***************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby

table. My wife asked, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old

girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those

many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” says my

wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…..

**************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and

slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just

get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t

believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at

me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!” So, I looked down at him and said,

“Well, then which one are you?” And that’s how the fight started…..

***************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order

first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.” And that’s how the fight started…..

Pants and Panties

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Mike was going to be married to Karen

so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, ‘Mike, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them

to your Mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on.”

She did and said, ‘These are too big.

I can’t wear them.’

I replied, ‘Exactly.. I wear the pants in

this family and I always will.’

Ever since that night, we have

never had any problems.

‘Hmmm,’ said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, ‘Here, try

these on..’

She tried them on and s

aid, ‘These are too large. They don’t fit me.’

Mike said, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family

and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.’

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She

said, ‘Here, you try on mine.’

Mike did and said,

‘I can’t get into your panties.’

Karen said, ‘Exactly. And if you don’t change

your smart-ass attitude, you never will.’